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I had planned for a homebirth with hypno birthing for pain relief; For about 3 months before the birth I diligently relaxed and meditated every night, practised my breathing and closer to the birth religiously did my perineum massage. I really hope this benefitted Alice. I am sure it did anyhow it certainly made me feel calm and prepared for the big day. It also allowed me to really enjoy the final stages of my pregnancy as I waddled about. I REALLY TOOK CARE OF MYSELF AND ALICE THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANY.
 The due date, 12 January, came and went surprise, surprise. These things are never accurate anyway. Again I threw everything at getting labour started; acupuncture, acupressure, shiatsu, raspberry leaf tea, nipple stimulation using breast pump, visualisation, walking, even star jumps in the park, and sex. I also had x3 sweeps at hospital which didn’t hurt as my cervix was very ripe and ready and soft (probably helped by hypnobirthing flower visualisation). When my mid wife did my sweeps she was very respectful and considerate towards me and my body talking me through the process at every stage so I felt relaxed.
Ten days after the due date I was due to be induced but we refused this as we wanted to give Alice every chance to come naturally. We went into hospital to do a routine scan a few days after this – everything appeared fine – Alice did not have the cord around her neck at this point but the doctor doing the scan said she had delivered still born babies and tried to scare me. I did not want to put Alice at risk but I knew it was okay to wait a few more days too. A few days before this scan we had seen the consultant, who had also done a sweep, and she had agreed to put the due date back a couple of days to allow a little more time. However she did not write this down in my notes so when we saw the doctor for the scan, the doctor said she was not prepared to put the due date back in order to delay the induction day. I was angry about this and very let down. The doctor then took the notes to the consultant who then also claimed ignorance to having seen me a few days before and allowing flexibility on the due date. I felt deceived and really hopping mad now I look back on it. We had the scan I think on the 25th Jan. We booked the induction for the evening of 27th Jan.
The evening of the 26th I went for one final reflexology session – next morning I had a noticeable leak in my pants – I think some of the waters had broken (throughout the course of the last two weeks I had also been getting pelvic twinges and mild contractions). The evening of 27th Jan Jack took me into hospital. I remember feeling calm and positive. The antenatal ward was full so I was placed in a bed in a post natal ward and strapped up to CTG machine which showed that contractions had already started but I wasn’t really feeling anything. I felt okay but this context was a world away from the one I had planned. Jack was with me and Rachael, the student one to one midwife, who was great and really supportive. Then the doctor came to administer the prostaglandin which was okay at first but then she started to stretch my cervix and give me a really strong sweep without telling me she was going to do this. It was really painful and uncomfortable and I have this enduring memory of her removing her fingers from me with blood all over her hand. At the time I think I went into immediate shock and a kind of acceptance that this is what is supposed to happen. Now I feel abused and invaded. No one else had produced blood when they had given me sweeps. I was just another anonymous patient to that doctor who incidentally wanted to get me on the syntocinon drip straight away which also made me feel angry – she just wanted to rush me along, never mind my body’s time table of how labour should unfold.
 After the sweep my cervix felt so tender. I think she did the sweep about 10.30/11 pm. Jack left I think somewhere between 11 and 12pm. I felt okay about this at the time. Now I wished he had stayed as I went into labour that night and I was totally on my own without any support and on a ward with new mothers. I cannot believe the hospitals policy is to send partners home after a certain time – I went into labour and had no support from a birth partner – totally at odds with my birth plan. I was in an unfamiliar environment – I felt vulnerable and unsafe – How could I relax properly in order to manage labour as it progressed. This is why animals go off to a safe, protected place to birth on their own – humans are the same.
After the prostaglandin induction a mid wife came to check the CTG machine a couple of times which was starting to monitor stronger contractions – every time I saw the numbers increasing I braced myself for a contraction and breathed my way through it using hypnobirthing breathing. The mid wife asked me if I was feeling any pain and at that point I wasn’t although the CTG machine was measuring strong contractions. My waters totally broke at around 1.00 am with a whoosh. There was a lot of it and it totally saturated the bed. I thought it was funny at the time but sad that I was on my own with no one else there to experience it. It was a strange sensation as I had no control over it. Looking back I also felt rather vulnerable and alone in my experience. It was a big moment for me and when I called the midwives to change my bed covers they didn’t seem that friendly, more inconvenienced that they had to change my bed covers. I felt unsupported, and while they changed the covers the contractions really started to kick in.
Each time a contraction came I used my hypnobirthing and did my best to stay calm and centred but this kept getting interrupted by midwives wanting to do further internal checks. Again I thought they had to do them – I did not realise at the time I could say no as they caused my already tender cervix more pain – I felt so invaded and humiliated by strangers and I had tears in my eyes afterwards. All the poking and proding really got in the way of the hypnobirthing which I kept doing. I think over the course of the birth I had about 4/5 internals !!!! I was not able to sleep. I had to go to the toilet on a couple of occasions which proved a real challenge as I kept getting strong contractions and at one point had to get down on all fours and breath through it in the middle of the ward. I felt very vulnerable and alone. Maybe I should have asked for more assistance. I am sure it felt worse being in such a strange environment with no one to help me.
The midwives never came to change the maternity pads on my bed which became soaked in amniotic fluid and smelt. When morning arrived I was upset, felt dirty, demoralised and humiliated.
At about 5.00 am the contractions started to get a lot stronger and then the back pain came which became harder to manage on my own. It was a very disorientating experience being in this strange environment in a lot of pain with no one to support me. I am sure it was more painful because I felt unsafe and vulnerable in an unfamiliar environment.
Jack arrived at about 7.00 am to a very different me to the one he had bade farewell to hours earlier. The back pain at this point was becoming excruciating – the bottom half of my back rippled and rose with each contraction – Alice had her back against mine – not a good position for birth – it meant that her head was not properly on my cervix so that it was not dilating – it was only about 2cms dilated by the morning. Jack bounded in saying ‘are you ready to start a family’ to which I burst into tears shouting at him to stop laughing at me as I felt ashamed and humiliated – I was not in a good place – I felt so vulnerable. I also felt so self-conscious and again vulnerable that everyone could hear me and stupid that I wasn’t maintaining my calm – at this point all the calm from the hypnobirthing had fallen away – no amount of hypnobirthing breathing could manage the back pain. By the morning the contractions were coming every four minutes.
I was not able to think properly so I forgot to ask Jack to do the hypnobirthing touch and massages on my back. Instead I asked him to get the tens machine out. He attached it to my lower back and but then accidently whacked the dial on full sending a big electric current through – I screamed shouting ‘you stupid man’ (the whole ward could hear) and this then brought on another painful contraction – felt like insult had been added to injury. I eventually asked for gas and air as well as it was getting very painful. The environment I was in was not the calm one I had planned for – it was full of strange people with their newborns – I felt vulnerable and self conscious.
My midwife Malika arrived about 8 am I think, took one look at me and said lets get you out of here up to the birthing suite in the delivery suite and start over again. I could not walk – they sent me up in a wheel chair. As soon as we entered the birthing suite with its soft lighting and birth pool (was not allowed to use this due to my age and lateness of pregnancy) I started to calm down. Jack put the music on and I positioned my self over a bean bag and got into my hypnobirthing breathing – I got into the ‘zone’ and eventually came off the gas and air and was just relying on the breathing and the tens (on very low wattage). Just shows the influence of context on pain relief. I remained like this for several hours. When I look back it does feel surreal – that whole day just did not feel like a day – time seemed to stop moving. I was in a strange bubble.
Then Malika had to do an internal at 2pm –interestingly it didn’t hurt as she was so respectful to my body. Then the bad news - I was still only 2 cm dilated (still not considered in active labour – bit of a joke if you asked me – had felt pretty active so far!). I had a decision to make – continue as I was but then I could still only be 2 cms 12 hours later and even more tired or augment to syntocinon. Intuitively something told me to move onto the syntocinon and this is the decision I made. Again, another invasion having the drip thing inserted into my hand – the birth was starting to feel very ‘medicalised’. I remember feeling pretty out of body during this time – it must have been about 3 pm? We had to vacate the birth suite as another room was being prepared for me. Looking back there seemed to be little smooth flow or context to my birthing – it was very disconnected being moved to all these different rooms. Jack and I went for a walk around the corridors and on the roof terrace garden – it felt surreal. My contractions had slowed down at this point. It all seems a little blurry now – I can’t really remember much until we moved into the new room.
The new room had a bed in it and WC which I went to a few times. I was hooked up the syntocinon drip and Malika turned it on at its lowest point. Still, this was enough for me – it caused big and very painful back contractions - I was in pain and writhed about. In the end I had to ask Malika for the epidural. In hindsight I think I felt like a bit of a failure that I could not endure any more pain – that I was giving up on my body’s natural ability to birth my baby. I didn’t seem to be that tolerant of the painful contractions. Then again if I had birthed naturally and Alice been in the right position then it probably would have been a different picture – my body would have built up the contractions slowly and both Alice and I could have got used to them. The syntocinon brings on strong contractions suddenly with no build up distressing me and then also distressing Alice. Alice would not have been prepared for the strong contractions – it might have caused her distress.
The anaesthetist arrived with his assistant. They had to take off the tens machine. Unfortunately the assistant accidently turned the knob on the tens machine (yes, again) sending a big electrical volt through me. I screamed in shock and burst into tears. Malika gave me a big hug. The shock also caused Alice to turn (this also confirmed by midwife) as I suddenly wasn’t feeling any pain in my back anymore. However this was short lived as Alice turned back to back again. I have wondered if this was the moment that the cord got wrapped around her neck. The epidural felt strange as it was inserted into my back. Once administered, it kicked in very quickly and I felt alot better. It was also weird having the catheter inserted (another invasion) and having no control over peeing. The syntocinon was then turned back on causing big contractions. I can’t remember what time this all was - possibly six in the evening???? A doctor came to do an internal – I was still only 2 cms dilated (not yet in ‘active labour’) and probably would not reach 3 cms until 1 am the next morning!!!!!!
At some point between 6.30/7.30 pm Alice started to react badly to the contractions. I had a big contraction and Alice’s heart rate went down. The mid wife pulled on the cord and all these doctors suddenly stormed into the room with their monitor. An oxygen mask was placed on my face to get pure oxygen to Alice. It was very hectic. I did not know what to make of it at the time – some part of me must have left my body in order to cope with the shock. Alice’s heart rate came back up again. This happened a second time not long after wards with a repeat performance from the doctors and the oxygen mask. At some point during this time jack went off to get something to eat. Then another big contraction and Alice went into distress again and her heart rate declined. This time her heart rate did not come back up. Looking back it was all very surreal – doctors came flying in and this time the consultant. She said ‘I am very sorry Sarah but we are going to have to perform an emergency ceasarian’. Initially I was going to be put under general aneasthetic and Jack was not allowed in the operating theatre. I think Jack arrived back from his dinner to all this going on and was very freaked out.
Suddenly I was being wheeled into the operating theatre – I remember the bed pushing into the double doors on the way to theatre – like what you see in ER etc. At this point I remember feeling very vulnerable and scared and I can remember having tears in my eyes. I was scared for the baby but I tried to remain as calm as I could aswell. We arrived in theatre. A big white room with bright lights. The anaesthetist was very, very nice, warm and empathic. Fortunately Alice’s heart rate had returned so that I was only going to have a normal ceasarian i.e. me awake. Jack had put over alls on and arrived in theatre. I remember Jack sat next to me and was stroking my head. The screen was put up so I could not see what was going on (I did not want to see my stomach cut open and Alice being pulled out). The very strong epidural was applied and could not feel a thing from just below my breasts downwards. It was the strangest of sensations. The anaesthetist used sensitive words. He said you are going to birth your baby in ten minutes. Sensitive words but the reality for me was that I was not actually birthing Alice – my stomach was being cut open and my baby pulled out of me by some skilled doctors I had only just met.
To not actually have birthed Alice virginally and with hypnobirthing has been a big loss. I don’t think they dimmed the lights when they cut open my tummy – may be they did but I cant remember. The music they were playing in the back ground was a bit odd – The Fugees – Killing me softly. Wish I had asked them to turn it off and play some soothing classical. The anaesthetist talked through what was happening. I could not feel being cut open as such – maybe a tugging sensation. It really did feel like someone doing the washing up inside me – lots of odd tugging and pulling sensations. Jack could hear the surgeon say, ‘so that’s what the problem was’ - the cord was wrapped around Alice’s neck. I did not see Alice being pulled out of me. (She was born at 7.49pm on 28 Jan 10 weighing 7 lbs 13 ozs) Jack saw her though and she was blue. Nor did I see my placenta being taken away. I had wanted to touch this amazing organ (had stated this in my birth notes). I presume it had been taken out of me and discarded unceremoniously. Another loss.
Jack did not tell me at the time but was very scared as Alice had arrived blue and not breathing. They put her on the machine thing with the warmer etc and placed an oxygen mask on her. At one point it looked like they might have to take her away to intensive but they managed to revive her and she increased quickly on the apga score to about an 8 I think.
During this time I was being sewn up (took 40 mins) and my body really started to shake from the body shock of the operation and the epidural wearing off. Jack went over to meet his daughter and carried her over and held her sitting on a chair not too far away from me. Jack looked in shock. I felt very detached. Alice was eventually placed on me just below my chin. It was so hard to connect and feel close to her. I felt so detached and disconnected and Alice looked rather detached too but was rooting away. What had this all felt like for Alice. Alice did not cry – she seemed rather calm. I felt robbed of being the first one to hold her after being born. The doctors, then jack and finally me held her last. I felt robbed of that initial bonding moment. It felt like any baby had been placed on me, not MY baby. Still we both looked at her – she was definitely an Alice! We had photos taken. I had been in labour for about 20 hours.
After the operation we were removed to the recovery area where I had toast and tea (I was very hungry!). The mid wife handed a naked Alice in a nappy to me for some skin to skin contact. At last I started to bond with my beautiful little baby – I think I did feel happy at this point. Very intuitively I decided to give breast feeding a go. I was feeling quite relaxed. I looked at Alice and said ‘shall we give this a go?’ I positioned her on the nipple and miraculously she latched on well and started feeding. I felt really, really pleased about this. At last something good had come out of a very, very long and traumatic day. I wish the mid wives had let me feed Alice for as long as she wanted but we had to be wheeled down to the post natal ward.
I stayed on the post natal ward for three nights – I was discharged the Sunday. It was a weird experience. Alice spent most of her time sleeping unsurprisingly – she didn’t cry at all. All I could really do was feed her and change her nappy. I still feel guilty I was not able to do more for her like give her more cuddles. I feel I let her down in some way. It was so challenging recovering from the operation – being attached to a catheter bag and unable to stand up properly from the stitches and then having to lift Alice in and out of her little fish tank. I felt very separate from her.
On the first night after the operation I was still recovering from the epidural. I had to call on a mid wife to change Alice’s nappy – she told me off saying next time I had to change the nappy. I could not believe what I was hearing – I explained that I still had no feeling back in my legs yet and how was I therefore expected to lift Alice out of her tank thing – I felt like she was abusing her position. Alice was also too cold. She was not wrapped in enough blankets and they had to bring an overhead heating thing to keep her warm until her temperature stabilised. Alice slept for most of that night, and so did I – we needed the rest after the birth. This other midwife told me to wake her up every three hours to feed her - I complied as I was a novice to all this but in hind sight had wished I had just let Alice rest and fed her when she awoke.
It wasn’t until the second night that I experienced that special bonding moment with Alice. It was 2 am I think and I awoke to find Alice awake in her tank with spit/sick running out of her mouth and looking over towards where I lay. I picked her up and put her on my knee. All was very quiet and still. Alice looked up at me and I looked down at her. Our gaze locked – it was a beautiful sublime moment (one I will remember for the rest of my life). In that moment my heart opened and I fell totally in love with my baby. It was a moment of profound recognition between us – the moment where we silently said hello to each other. Her eyes were so open and trusting and so very clear. I had tears in my eyes and I am sure I felt them running down my cheeks. It was a very special moment.
So many doctors came in to do various checks and midwives to administer my medication. It was all very tiring and again invasive. But looking back I think I coped very well especially as I was recovering from major surgery and was also looking after Alice. I remember having to wee into a bottle thing - they needed to check that I was passing enough clear fluid. I was only allowed home after a bowel movement.
It was great to go back home after I think about x3 nights stay.
Being back home was really challenging. Those first few weeks were very difficult. After a difficult pregnancy and birth I now had to look after a tiny baby. I had to bracket my needs and completely devote myself to this tiny, dependent creature. Looking back this felt unfair. There were times I did not want to look after Alice, I wondered what I had gone and done and felt tired and sometimes rejecting towards her – I was too tired to do the job of mummy especially recovering from the operation. Jack had to help me in and out of the shower and administer my meds which included injections into the area of the scar. I felt lost and overwhelmed. The birth really annihilated my confidence – it took me a long time to venture out with Alice (nearly two months).
As it took time to recover from the operation I didn’t start wearing Alice in a sling until about 3 to 4 weeks after the birth. Again I felt I had let Alice down in some way, and have been playing catch up with her trying to be the perfect mummy. I really did the best I could do – wearing her in a sling for sleeps during the day (Alice actually only liked being in the sling for sleeps, she fussed being in it awake) and co-sleeping with her. Also breast feeding on demand. Alice did thrive and was a calm happy baby. I must have done something right!
However over the first year I have lacked so much confidence and have felt so panicky and anxious about everything. Because of the invasiveness of the birth I have found it very difficult to let Jack in physically. I also could not touch my scar. About four months after the birth the anger really kicked in. I also felt very detached from my body, numb and with little connection to my feelings. It’s been a very bumpy ride. My anxious feelings have also led to awful thoughts of harmful things happening to Alice.
Regarding Alice, I have done the best I can do with being as consistent as I can be, and calm as I can be. I have kept her as close to me as I can and I have done my best to be responsive to her needs. I have worn her in a sling and co slept with her. I have taken her swimming and to play groups. I have made her yummy food and have gently separated from her – we had a successful run in period with a really nice child minder at the end of 2010. I have done my best. I have coped with lack of sleep the best that I can too. I have always sung to Alice, engaged her and played with her. Most importantly I recognised I was suffering from trauma and have taken steps to start the healing process via therapy.

In hind sight .....
I took very good care of myself during the pregnancy and birth – stayed calm!
I did my very best to bring on labour
I do wish I had exercised more in Dec/Jan to help Alice to turn & engage – this might have brought labour on faster (this is voice of perfection banging on in my head)
Made all the right decisions as due date came and went
I was ‘bullied’ and emotionally black mailed (still born births) into coming in for inpatient induction. This undermined my confidence and placed self doubt upon me. The doctor wanted me to come in that evening for induction but I stood my ground. The morning of induction my waters had broken a little (the CTG machine that night showed I was already having contractions that day) - wished I had left it another 24/48 hours to give body chance to labour naturally (regret this the most – could have phoned hospital and cancelled induction) but doctor had scared me & did not want to put Alice at risk (although still only x2 weeks & 2 days over due – much riskier at 43 weeks ). Learnt now for next time. Very easy to feel undermined by might of medical authority.
My body was invaded and violated – it shut down especially as I was in a very vulnerable place in hospital.
Used hypnobirthing to stay calm to my best of abilities throughout.
I coped really well on my own that night in hospital & managed pain really well.
Did really well to come off gas and air and get back into the zone in the birth pool room.
Do regret moving onto syntocinon so soon – could have left it for longer but there would have been a time limit on this (about approx 48-72 hours) given waters broken. I was still only 2cms dilated by 7pm but natural labour does take longer. I would have been very tired but do wish I had left longer. BUT as soon as I had entered hospital I was on cascade of intervention which can lead to distressed baby and emergency c-section as labour brought on much faster.
It was not my body that failed but a lack of support from medical establishment.
Medical intervention caused cord to get caught around the neck – happened when first epidural administered. Alice turned 360 then back again. If cord wrapped around neck before this would have shown up as Alice in distress on CTG machine but her heart rate was fine. Distress happened after epidural.
Can’t believe how well I handled everything in those 20 hours – I went through so much.
Because I experienced a labour my uterus is primed for next pregnancy & birth – 98% success rate for VBAC.
Breast feeding got off to a great start- down to me and Alice!
Recovering from the operation all I could do was feed and change nappies. I had to rest myself. Looking at video, I did hold and cuddle and interact with Alice. Looked very close to her. I felt guilty for not doing enough for her – played ‘catch up‘ ever since.
Had an amazing bonding moment on second night.
Birth trauma brought up huge amount regarding my childhood and my mother. Found it very difficult to relate to being a mum due to the way I was mothered by my mum. Brought up anger & rage towards my mum.
Two big areas for healing; my body & to reclaim it & forgive my mother.

Birth Trauma Counselling is a project from Help Women and Children, a non-profit UK organization helping women traumatized by childbirth. Help Women and Children is a charitable company limited by guarantee in England and Wales No. 5959138 based in Surbiton, Surrey, UK

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